a problem with kindness

15 October, 2011 § Leave a comment

Have you ever had something or someone happen to you in a way that you could never go back being the person you used to be; yet not giving you the slightest clue how to move forwards either?

I have a problem with kindness. My emotional retardedness never permits me to respond to the kindness of others rationally. Instead, all I want to do is run away. Because it makes me feel like I’m going to explode from inside out, makes me ashamed that I have grown up finding ordinary human interaction unbearable. Hostility and malice I can cope with, but this … I can’t think of what I might have done to deserve the trust, the gentleness (unless of course because my vulnerability is so plain to see), the laughter.

The rainbows made by other hands have always been a trap, a lie, a sneer in my face. I sense the recent warmth and kindness lulling me into a dangerous place – a place that makes me weak; dulls my hunger, distracts my mind with the lure of an ordinary life.

In the midst of all this, something reminds me that I was born to live a hard life. A life hard-fought, and won. I must make every moment count for though I was born with nothing I will make something of this life yet.

An ordinary life was something of an urban legend to me when I was growing up. To a certain extent I have no idea what it means. What I do know is that it is a state I have yet to attain, for I am still a captive under this roof.

I must stay hungry. And in meanwhile, make my own rainbows.

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